October 22, 1951 — Arthur “Bugs” Baer
| Arash Norouzi The Mossadegh Project | January 23, 2025 |
“Mossy gave the English their comeuppance. Given his choice of exits he preferred the gate marked No Sale.”
Arthur “Bugs” Baer (1886-1969) was a screenwriter, playwright, columnist, author, sports journalist, cartoonist, master of ceremonies, and shameless self-plagiarist (he recycled his own
jokes). And he had a lot to say about the Persian pickle. Some of it was even intelligible.
Here is an entry from his column One Word Led to Another, distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc. It’s safe to assume that Dr. Mohammad Mossadegh, who was in the United States at the time, never read a word of this
ragamuffin prose. Just as well — it was untranslatable in its own language.
One Word Led to Another
Oil for the Lumps of Iran
By Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
Premier Mossadegh was as pungent as cinnamon. Whose bark is worse than its bite.
At no time in the diplomatic shambles did Mossy have any intention of giving England the old oil.
The adamant stand of the Iranian Iron Man was due to the return of the Assassins. They said, “Mossy, old rock, if you do business with England we will cut off your head and throw it in your face.”
The Premier absorbed the hint in a soupcon of his own perspiration. From then on he was in line like a harnessed mule.
Being an Oriental with an Asiatic twist Mossy’s mind followed the convolutions of his turban. He was hep to the Old Man of the Mountains who hashed them up for murder in all shades.
The Old Man fed his muggs hasheesh or Arabian nose candy. The lads ate their meals off the back of their hands and then went forth with scimitar and snickersnee to bag a potentate on the hoff.
Their reward for fait accompli was resident membership in a Paradise of wine, women and song. A Paradise that had an all-night license. Just like happy brawls in Manhattan and The Loop.
Well, with that kind of toast and Mossy’s background it was no sooner said than dunked. Mossy gave the English their comeuppance. Given his choice of exits he preferred the gate marked No Sale.
The Old Cliff Dweller or the Atlas Range played touch tag with many a mark during the days of Richard the Lion Chested. He had a leopard skin vest himself and could use a totem pole for a family album.
Mossy knew there were a couple of modern bottle imps scouting for Farouk of Egypt on the Riviera. Farouk has been a man about tables in Cannes and Monte Carlo. And even though the Egyptians worshipped cats they don’t want their
kings acting kittenish.
That’s just about the wall map of the situation. And indicates that Arabian diplomacy is back to its ancient water mark. When the Moslem mugg prowls on the rough diagonal the Spartan youth takes an upper berth.
The pomegranates and frankincense of Araby are have temporarily postponed with no rain checks issued. And if you a Cycle of Cathay we advised you to fork it and scramm. If it squeaks a trifle don’t pause for oil in Iran.
TOMORROW—Is the quill mightier than the pen?
Related links:
Michiganders Queried on British Expulsion From Iran (Oct. 1951)
William Ritt: You’re Telling Me! | Humor Column’s Iran Takes
While Middle East Goes the Way of China | Salt Lake Tribune, Oct. 21, 1951
MOSSADEGH t-shirts — “If I sit silently, I have sinned”
